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| Hi Christine ( just in case u peek ) I wish that this blog finds you and your family in good health. I tried to email you several times but mysteriously they keep cancelling....hahaha... Time is flying by, wouldnt you agree?. Another year, another great chapter written in our lives. Strange to really think about where this journey has taken us. Its good to know ( assuming ) that everything is wonderful your way. Oh my goodness how big your kids must be by now... a huge smile on my face thinking of Miranda and Casey. I'm doing great, I have no complaints. Working and enjoying life. I'm back in San Diego, we moved back here about 8 months ago. I have 2 beautiful kids, they are the best!!... I try and be the best dad in the world for them, without spoiling them too much...ha! Anyways, I better let you go... I have to go cook some breakfast... SMILE CHRISTINE... I want to wish you the Happiest of Birthdays Love you and be good Ty p.s. Every 4th of July... I'll always smile and laugh just thinking of the special time we had so long ago. | | |
| " Slow down, lie down, remember its just you and me...Sure I can accept that we're going nowhere,But one last time let's go there, Lay down beside me" ~ Paolo Nutini You asked me one time to name 3 of your fav Nutini songs and then "you'd know"... well just like you made me a DMB, Harper and Knights of the round table fan... Now I'm a proud owner of Nutini CD's, haha....can you see me standing up a little taller and proud?. Thank you for that. I sometimes wish that you could have showed me so much more, but I missed my time for that. It amazing to think how our lives could have turned out so differently if my choices weren't so fogged. It's been a while hasn't it? In a messege you wrote: " still waiting for that lingering "thing" to leave me...why wont it go? are you similarly afflicted... still? why is that? I still cant figure it out." to answer you, yes I am and I'd like to say that I do know why... but as I try and put it down to words I can't...It hasn't left me because everything was so vivid in my mind, all our plans, conversations, laughs,and even crys. That "thing" was perfect. From time to time, I hear a name, a story, or smell a scent, a fleeting thought, and even listen to a song and you come back to me. The girl that stole my heart and held it in her hand... and for everything that happened and how it ended... the moments that i get when I'm reminded of you, I smile and I feel great.... because I know i have that" thing" in my life... not to many people ever do. Like always, I wish you all the happiness in the world. I'm hopeful that this email/blog reaches you and your family in good health. Love Always, Ty p.s. I didn't read your email about speaking with eachother until way after you sent it so when i replied back your account was closed... p.p.s The 3 Nutini Songs are Last Request, Rewind and White Lies... p.p.p.s Hell maybe when we are 65 and on rocking chairs we'll finally know...its just that you'll get there a little before me....Ooooo...<< running >>> haha be good, always smile, hug your kids...omg peekie must be so tall by now and is Jack still eating alot?  HappyCOUGH 21st COUGHBirthday Christine ♥ | | |
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Maybe I just want to fly...I want to live I don't want to die...Maybe I just want to breath ...Maybe I just don't believe...Maybe you're the same as me...We see things they'll never see...You and I are gonna live forever ... Maybe I will never be, All the things that I want to be...But now is not the time to cry...Now's the time to wonder why... I think you're the same as me...We see things they'll never see...You and I are gonna live forever...
It was a beautiful day when I arrived, just how I had imagined it would be...I didn't stay long, I just needed to see for myself, needed to stare and smile and wonder...I needed a feeling of .......a free moment...
Let me take you back several years when I joined an internet service...There I was cheerfully picking out an AOL screename, profile, and with it came a feeling of a newworld...a fictional world. I would spend several hours a week "chatting" online in these virtual rooms where people would sort things out, pass the time, create friendships....etc... I laughed at some of my buddies who were building relationships with the people they chatted with online, even so much as fly out to meet with them... I had such a full life outside the computer that I had way too many options before sitting infront of a computer on a regular basis and peckering away with strangers.
Don't ask me when, don't ask me how but I began to build strong feelings for a woman I started to chat with online, she was so witty, so much fun, so full of energy, so thoughtful, she was so hilarious. I fought these feelings I had for her, because they couldn't possibly be real right?... I mean after all its an online relationship... She would tell me so much about herself and I would stay gaurded, I kept things from her thinking I was just protecting her. Those are things ,now looking back, I should not have done.... She was absolutely gorgeous, her voice and personality matched her looks perfectly...I Fell in Love with her and she fell in love with, we would talk about our future together, talk about her moving out to So Cali, marriage, kids and even pets...
I made terrible mistakes, and told only half truths. One day I hope she will forgive me for what turned out to be empty promises....promises and a friendship that cut very very deep... I've kept this email open for all these years, maybe out of guilt, maybe out of missing her... but thats why tyrus010 still exisits, just for the hope of an email from her...a simple hello.
Lets fastforward back to the present... Its the roadtrip I should have taken so many years ago, to touch her,to smell her, to hold her hand in mine and walk along the beach, to tug on her hair ever so slightly to get a smile out of her, to hear what she would say next, to do the "everything" we talked about doing... There she was, prettier than I had ever visualized her being, her hair not as dark as I had thought, but there she was several feet away... She looked my way and for an instant our eyes met, but her eyes kept on passing...
I decided not to tilt the axis, I decided not to interfere in her life now, I decided not to bring up the past where I belong as she is well into her future...For several years now, she has moved way past me and there was no reason to dig me up again...
I walked away smiling... theres a part of me hoping that she took a second look back, smiled and wondered to herself of a face from her past...Hey!...one can hope, right?
Everyone have a wonderful and safe 4th of July...be good to your loved ones.
Happy Birthday Christine
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"Once upon a time, there was a little girl in Ohio."
"What was her name?" whispered D, her eyes narrowing as she stared at the burning purple candle...
"Cynthia. Though her mother never realized it, she had named her only daughter after a goddess, a virgin huntress, but the people in Ohio believe in only one God, so Cynthia didn't know what her name meant until it was much too late... Though nobody told her to her face, Cynthia was beautiful... People talked about her behind her back, before her blonde hair started to darken with the years and she found out what diamonds were... She grew up in the country... Not the country where men reaped what they sowed and ate what they killed, but the country where the roads are numbered and people are exactly what they seem... Nobody lied in the country... And consequently, she never learned how to tell when a man was less than honest...
"On one of her birthdays, young Cynthia underwent a metamorphosis of sorts when she walked into the city, a world she had not even seen on television... The buildings made her curious... People said the strangest things... Cynthia never had the opportunity to learn at the same pace as her peers, however... On a cool June evening, an otherwise distant relative showed her just how little men understood about female anatomy... The boys called her Cindy, and she started wearing lipstick and mascara... Her older brothers were married and did not come home much anymore, having their own homes to which they might return... Her mother and father grew angry with each other and eventually stopped talking altogether... Cynthia started reading more books and drawing what she saw there... The flowers described by Moliere... the countryside by Gide, vacant city streets as portrayed by Camus... She watched Casablanca and Breakfast at Tiffany's, The Sun Also Rises, sometimes A Tree Grows In Brooklyn because these were the only movies her mother had, and because they didn't have MTV out there... Cynthia envisioned the world as a place where you never ended up with the one you loved, so she wasn't at all surprised when the first man she loved pulled himself out of her and told her he had to go... She had seen it coming all along.
"Cynthia left home on a Monday, the day after her father died... She left Ohio as the summer ended and the flowers in her mother's garden started to die again... Cynthia had watched those flowers die and come back nineteen times by then... She knew she would come back after the snow, because you never really die... Not unless somebody grabs you and tears you up from the ground, exposing your roots to the air where there are no nutrients to sustain you... On her way south, Cynthia stopped and walked into a mall, where she bought a vanilla ice cream cone and a pack of unfiltered Pall Malls because that was what her father smoked... Young women gaped and grew jealous because Cynthia had something they would never possess... You could almost see it inside her, like a fusion reaction, light escaping from her at the seams... Her eyes when she glanced up. Her mouth as she inhaled...
"When you live in the country, the entrance to a department store can be overpowering, a barrage of eccentric scents named after eccentric women, so Cynthia went to the fountain in the center of everything and sat there, watching water stream into the air and fall back down with a white drop of sweet fluid running down her chin... All over the bottom of the reservoir was money, coins of denominations which by themselves seemed insignificant... Staring at the money, Cynthia recalled how her father had told her not to throw her money into the water because wishing was pointless, and she wondered why more fathers had not told their daughters the same... She lit a Pall Mall, coughed, then dug into her purse for a penny, setting aside her wallet and the car registration, a set of four pictures you might have taken with your friends in one of those curtained booths - but she was the only one in the pictures - and she found a penny... Then another one, and a nickel... In a fervor, she started emptying her purse of such trivial possessions, the phone numbers and sales receipts and bottles of nail polish, the checkbook and spare house key and the pictures she had clipped from magazines before she stood and upended her bag, closing her eyes as all of her change splashed into the fountain, all of the silver and copper and nickel she had, defying her father to make a single wish come true... Just one... Though nobody had told her how wishes worked, Cynthia somehow knew she could never tell anybody what she had wished for, and as curious people looked on, she finished her cigarette, and she left her world behind."
... When I stopped, D was gone, her pillowcase smeared with lipstick and red wine and the residue of a dream undone, where a grown woman watched a disillusioned little girl kneeling there in a fountain, sifting through the coins and searching for her pennies... So she might take her wishes back...
So she might start over...
Everyone have a wonderful Christmas and New Years, may tey be spent with the friends and family you love... Be good and smile =)
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"The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, 'Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.' And we kill those people."
-Bill Hicks
Dear Summer,
As you pack your bags and gather up all your personal belongings into that great seasonal Hefty bag in search of better times and nicer weather, remember this, my beautiful mistress of suntan lotion soaked frivolity:
You'll be back, bitch.
...Just like always, you'll come crawling back, and just like a lonely socially inept man in love with a prostitute, I shall forgive you for all your past sins and treachery for just one shot at three more months of carefree buffoonery and sweatsoaked debauchery with you... Like a good woman and an even worse friend, you've taught me things about myself no other season has had the gall to... And for that, Summer...
...for that, I am still in love with you.
... You've shown me the joy of wandering through a state park, sunburnt fields littered with plastic relics of the modern consumer age, the smell of the highway's exhaust saturating the crisp hot humid air, only to stumble across a large group of filthy hippies kicking around a rice filled hemp sack, welcoming my wit and cash with open arms and unshaven armpits...
... From there, sweating in my black NIN t-shirt, a foolish and carefree dreadlocked gypsy would offer me an uncut ten-strip of LSD soaked construction paper, or a delicious little sugar cube double dipped with that fiendish mind replacer Aldous Huxley so brazenly explored reality with... A budding youth barely old enough to buy cigarettes, I handed the patchouli-soaked heathen two twenty American dollars and bounded away... Away from the hippy stench... Away from your unbearable afternoon heat... Away from the carefully constructed veneer of wilderness located alongside a stretch of busy highway... Away...
... No matter what the reasoning by any action was, you showed me the truth, Summer. You showed me that the slick and glistening skin of a beautiful woman laying out on a car hood, cigarette in her lips, acid in her mind, and my name on her tongue is truly a wondrous thing indeed...
... You showed me the many faces hidden behind my own friends' ego, and never stopped or pulled any punches when I could look no further, for I had seen the demon, the Fear, inside of them... And you left me wanting more... More, before the cold winds and the dying leaves swept in... No other season could attest to that, Summer... For you are the great glowing lioness breastfeeding us all upon the throne of carnal delights... You are the lover we mere mortals break our backs for, while forcing ourselves to deal with the other seasons, in an effort to afford ourselves your burning embrace.
... And now, now you're leaving us... You're leaving me...
...So in conclusion, I want to thank you, Summer... I want to thank you for introducing me at the age of 16 to the wonderment of hallucinogenic pharmacopeia, and showing me that it's perfectly acceptable to lose one's mind for half a day, just so long as I had you by my side, carefree and lazy in our conquests... Because without you, Summer, I would not be the man I am today.
Waiting for that whore of a season, Winter, to come and go,..
...Everyone have a wonderful weekend =), be good to one another..
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